Dating Drama

The truth about why most men aren’t satisfied with their dating life – from a dating coaches’ perspective.

By Richard Janson of jansoncoaching.com

We all know someone who has been single for a very long time or who is tired of being alone. It is a fact that a lot of guys out there are unsatisfied with their dating lives but unfortunately don’t know how to change that or if it’s even possible. That might even be you. Maybe you are not meeting the type of women that you actually desire, you struggle to build connection and attraction or you are just too busy for dating and don’t know how to do it time-efficiently. When it comes to dating there are certain aspects that guys get wrong and that can really affect their results. These mistakes are easily avoidable if you are being conscious. You can dramatically improve your dating life, increase your chances of success and get more out of life if you leave these kinds of beliefs behind and start working on your goals. 

My name is Richard Janson and for the past four years, I have been coaching men about dating, women and relationships. I have helped men in all shapes, ages and backgrounds from all over the world. Many people believe that they can’t change their life and have to just accept their faith when they don’t have big success with women and dating. This is absolutely not true and just like with every other area in life you can change and improve it until you are completely satisfied. There are actually a lot of small improvements that don’t require much effort and anyone can make in their dating life that can go a long way.

NOT FEELING GOOD ENOUGH

Not feeling good enough is a very common problem. A lot of my past and present clients have experienced it, even myself when I first started out. The reason behind this problem occurring is society’s standard on physical appearance and social status. Since physical appearance is more important for us men then that’s why I will focus on it. We have a kind of a belief that we should never ever date someone who is physically more attractive than us, if we could somehow, we would believe ourselves to be super lucky and wouldn’t be sure whether we actually deserved it. That leaves a lot of average or even some good-looking guys frustrated. It makes a lot of decent guys really doubt their self-worth which leads to insecurities and unconfident behaviors which in turn will actually turn women off. 

The truth about physical appearance for us guys is rather different to what we have been raised to believe. In fact, women value physical appearance far less than us men, far less than they actually admit to us. Rather they value certain character traits like being confident, having the ability to lead and be dominant at times. To simplify the theory for you I will sum it up. 

Think about human history for a second. Most of human history we have lived as cavemen and in small tribes. Just like with most mammals and primates today society or the tribe you would have lived in consisted of alpha males and beta males. Alpha male was the charismatic leader who was able to take critical decisions, keep the tribe alive, he was smart, confident, had his own strong opinion etc. Women were naturally attracted to that man because of his abilities. A man was never supposed to look great. In fact, he probably had scars all over his body from constant fighting with the wildlife and other tribes. Not much has changed evolutionarily. Women still react to this kind of behavior. Of course, being healthy and fit can help you but the general idea is that when you can master these traits you can also become attractive to most women and forget about not feeling good enough. 

The other thing that a lot of men believe is that they are not interesting enough for her. What they tend to miss is that women are just as much human as us men, even the prettiest of them. They also get bored, they just want to be silly with their friends and are also looking to eventually build a family.

WAITING FOR THE “RIGHT” MOMENT

Coaching men from all over the world, I’ve noticed that a lot of them when they first approach me, tell me that the time hasn’t just been right to start actively dating or for getting into a relationship. Many guys tend to think that they first need to get their business up and running. A lot of guys believe that they need to have a lot of money to sustain a relationship. I agree that a certain financial stability is obviously necessary, you should have a job and a roof over your head but this is really it. Some believe that they should get into great physical shape or that they should have a six-pack before they start meeting women. The question is where is that going to get them if their main problem is that many of them haven’t ever even tried to talk to women. 

The sad truth is that most of the time these are just plain excuses, reasons for not getting out their comfort zones. A lot of us are familiar with how difficult it can be to approach someone we find attractive or asking a girl out we fancy. Instead of pushing it forward you have to understand that there is never a perfect moment. Life could always be better and easier. I know from firsthand experience how easy it is to think that you are not perfect yet, you will never be perfect and life will never be ideal. The fact is that with our complex brains we will always find excuses to avoid doing something that might feel uncomfortable at first. 

What you need to understand though is that with each passing day and year you will still feel alone and only get older. The “right moment” is now! In fact, building your business or working on your fitness goals can be a lot easier if you find a great supportive partner for yourself. So forget the perfect moment!

NOT DOING ANYTHING

It might sound a bit simple but you have to understand that life won’t just bring you an amazing girlfriend. I have met and talked to a lot of guys who wholeheartedly believe that at one moment their dream woman will knock on their door. Think about it for a bit, the chances of it happening are extremely low, if not to even say almost nonexistent. In life you need to work for things in order to get them, the exact same principle applies to dating. Relying on “faith” or thinking that “It’ll happen when it happens,” will minimize your chances of finding a great partner. 

You need to start taking action and meeting and talking to women. In life, there are two types of people. People who execute and take action despite the small discomfort and achieve their goals and people who will not step out of their comfort zone and will not achieve. 

Think of it this way, the beautiful girl you saw at the gym or on a night out with your friends with whom you didn’t talk to could have been your future wife, a mother for your kids and a perfect match for you. Now think for a minute how many of these opportunities have you missed by waiting for the perfect moment. How many of these girls could have you already dated? Has the waiting brought you any closer to finding a great girlfriend? The real question is how much time are you willing to waste? 

You really have two options. The first option is that you understand that and start talking to women. By doing that you will dramatically increase your chances of meeting a great girl. I agree, it can be a bit difficult at first even awkward or embarrassing if you mess up but by doing that you will be ahead of most of the other guys and I truly mean 95% of the other guys. Think for a second about people you know, how did they meet their partners? How do people usually get into a relationship or find a partner? It usually happens through a social circle. The girl is usually a friend of a friend or an acquaintance or maybe you went to the same school or are colleagues. In any case, people usually have some mutual connections or they meet in a place they both often spend time at, that being the workplace, college, a bar they both visit etc. 

A social circle usually has a very limited amount of single women. This means that a lot of people and especially men really don’t have a big pool of options when it comes to choosing a potential partner. When the pool of options is small then what are the chances that you will be able to find an ideal partner for yourself? Not the highest. That is one of the main reasons why so many relationships fail,the lack of options does not help with finding someone with whom you have common interest, same hobbies and morals, who is entirely your type etc, this will ultimately lead to a breakup. 

By stepping out of your comfort zone and trying to initiate conversations with women you find attractive you create yourself a basically endless pool of options. If you have a lot of options or are able to meet women basically anywhere then the chances of finding a perfect partner for yourself dramatically increase. 

The other option is to stay in your comfort zone, sure you’ll feel better temporarily. You might get a six-pack or even a raise but think of all the opportunities you have missed. Having a great girlfriend now who has similar passions as you and who is a supportive person can get you there a lot faster. The same goes with business building. Imagine two business-oriented people living together, lifting each other up every day. The choice is yours.

NOT KNOWING WHAT TO DO

Another big problem that most guys face is not knowing what to do. Many men just don’t know where to meet girls. Going to work every day, to the pub in the evening, for a run in the morning, meeting the same old social group on the weekend, basically following a routine where you meet no new single ladies. Like mentioned at the previous point this is something you could quite easily fix by striking conversations with women you meet while heading to work or who you see in the pub etc. The chances are limitless now you can meet women anywhere. 

The next problem would be that even if they do know where to meet girls they might not know how to actually attract them. What do I say to the girl, how do I not make a fool of myself? It is pretty common that guys struggle with what to say to women. Not to mention how to actually ask for their phone number so you could get them on dates with you. How many times have you been in a situation where you just talk about the weather or work but don’t seem to know how to escalate the conversation to a romantic level. Many of us might also come across as simply weird by not knowing what to do or how to act. Most of that is a lack of experience and a result of waiting for the “right time”. 

One of the answers is to get out there and start testing! You could be wasting many great chances because of your lack of knowledge. 

AFRAID TO TAKE RISKS

To continue the last point and to get to the bottom of it we need to understand what is causing it. Most of the guys that I’ve first started to coach over the years are simply afraid to take a risk. This is one of the biggest core problems that men have when it comes to dating. 

By taking a risk I mean that they are for instance afraid of getting blown off or embarrassed when they take a risk of talking to a girl. The same goes for when you’re having a conversation with someone from the opposite sex. Let’s imagine that you talk to a gorgeous lady you just met at the company’s Christmas party. Your conversation has very platonic topics like work or weather in it, in your head, everything seems to go great, you are “playing it safe”. What happens then is that because you have no options when it comes to women then you will be so afraid to ruin the situation that you don’t even try to be flirtatious or make a move. With that, you will ruin your chances. What actually happens is that women will take you as a friend and not as a sexual being or a man and then you will be surprised why you always end up in a friend zone. Sounds familiar? Even if they might have liked you or been even a little bit interested in you at first they will get tired of waiting for you to make a move and there will be no spark between you. 

It is very important to show that you are interested but you can’t be too available. I know that talking to women can be a bit awkward or weird at times but you just got to own up to it. You need to understand that nothing will change in your life if you are not willing to take a risk!

Going through these points some of you might have recognized a bit of yourself. If you are one of those guys who can recognize himself in any of these previous points, are willing to stop slacking off and start taking action and want to take your dating life into your own hands then you are in luck. For a limited time now, I am offering free consultation calls where we can take a deeper look at your situation and build an exact step by step plan for you. You can reach out to me at jansoncoaching.com